anaspiringwriter's Blog

 

Liahs Moon
 
Every time I see the moon I think of my Liah.

How she'd stand by the window. Her small hands pressed up against the glass, gazing upward. She was simply fascinated by this planet in our solar system. Maybe it's because "Moon" is a rather easy word to say, and at the time, and even more so today, she's thrilled to learn any word she can articulate without much effort.  She looked at it like nothing else. Every book we read, she showed me the moon. Goodnight moon, goodnight gorilla, the going to bed book, every book we read. I'm convinced that even with my eyes closed I could tell you exactly which page the moon was on, in each one of them.  We read them so much! Every time we'd go outside to play, no matter the time of day & where ever it was in the sky, she'd find it. "Moon" she'd proudly proclaim, pointing at it and then looking back at me. as though I might have forgotten where it was since yesterday.  It almost makes me wonder if she remembered it from a previous world. If that might account for her excitement. Having been in heaven, more recently than any of us, at the tender age of 24 months and a handful of days, her memory of the previous world would be much clearer than ours would.  If she saw it as something she recognized as familiar.  I don't think their is a moon in heaven or a sun, because we no longer need the sun, Jesus is as the light we need. (I wonder if heaven sells ray bans).  Would it be safe too say or assume, that maybe this little girl that I rocked to sleep at night witnessed the moons debut. That the little girl I sang "rum pum pum" to night after night, Maybe was present for the unveiling of creation. I can imagine Jesus gathering her up in his arms, reaching up into eternity and touching the moment he created the universe, displaying the moon just for her, just to see the smile on her face. It truly is as bright as the moon. The flashes and colors, the sounds that inevitably followed the formation of every star, and constellation. What a display of beauty. What a sight to behold. That now every time she looks up at the moon, she's brought back to that moment, in the arms of her savior, when he shared with her such a gift. She is more than delighted to remind us of just how beautiful it is, how the moon is only a very small speck of an unfolding universe, painted by the one who breathed life into every living thing, and still takes such delight when his children stop to gaze at his sky.  

  the thought of you should thrill and excite me, the expectation should be bubbling up, unable to be contained. High hopes for a bright future with you...


Days spent cleaning the house, making you dinner, and discussing the absurdities of life, as we scrape the crusty remnants of lasagna into the compost bin. In a moment of passion, you steal me away and up the stairs & assure me the dishes will still be there in a few hours..

but something has changed, shifted if you will. I no longer hope for you, I no longer expect you to exist. I no longer believe that you do, and if you do, than I no longer expect to recieve you as my own and become one with you. I don't believe it's what I was made for or called to, despite many sleepless nights starring at the ceiling & collecting my thoughts on to paper to someday read to you. Despite flashes of dreams I could have sworn were you.. dark curly hair encircling your face, and handsome greek chisled features. You did a cartwheel, and you had blue eyes. I've naively held on to so many flimsy, childish daydreams, rather ignorant perhaps to what I was forfeiting in the process. But no more.

It is not weakness that draws us to another, rather strength, for we need each other. It is however, ignorance, that keeps us holding our breath, blindly believing that satisfaction, security & total fulfullment will culminate as a result of this love relationship. I'm pleased to announce my new outlook, for their is something brighter and better, but I no longer accept that it comes in the form of a man. And I no longer wait in hopeful anticipation, for him to materalize before me and prove his love, as so many before him have tried.. I realize my inabilty to recieve love is a dominate factor in this new way of thinking..

even still, I'm certain further freedom awaits me, as I continue to let go of this belief pattern that has shaped me up to this point.